I remember these days very clearly. Waking up in the morning very late even though my alarm had already gone off 10 times three hours earlier and I had ignored it, feeling deeply sad. It was more than sadness, it was a feeling of powerlessness, an absolute pointlessness and the thought that there was no way I could change anything about it. I was tired, I was exhausted, I had very little energy left to do very basics things. I felt like I was trapped in a hole and there was no way out. If friends or family asked me how I was, I told them that I was fine and I was quite convincing. On days that I was crying all day long, I wouldn’t go out or pick up the phone. The only one who knew what was going on was the boyfriend I was together with at that time.
These periods of darkness would always last for a few weeks or sometimes months. Then I would find something to hold onto again. A new project, a new distraction. I became so obsessed (I called it passionate back then) about this new thing, that my focus shifted and I forgot all about that part of myself that felt life was pointless. But that was just temporary… a few weeks, a few months and the depressive version of me had returned.
AFTER ABOUT 10 YEARS OF GOING THROUGH THESE UPS AND DOWNS, A ‘MAGIC’ PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOM EXPERIENCE CHANGED MY LIFE.
Until then, I had been falsely convinced that “drugs” were all bad. I had never taken any and wasn’t planning to do so. But then one of my best friends started using Psilocybin Mushrooms in a conscious way. First I tried to talk him out of using this substance that I had deemed bad. Fortunately he didn’t listen to me and continued to share with me the teachings he received from the spirit of Psilocybin. After about 6 months of hearing his transformative insights, I felt the call as well. We took it together in the forest. When he gave me the mushrooms, he asked me to hold them in my hands and said: “Look at the forest one last time, you will never see it the same way again”. And he was right. For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime I was able to see the world through the eyes of my inner child again. I experienced an afternoon of total bliss, free flowing emotions and being able to see through my conditioning and destructive beliefs. I was able to distinguish between what was truly me and what was cultural and societal conditioning. I saw the earth breathing and the trees dancing. I hugged a tree that looked very isolated and lonely because I knew it was me and I knew I (the tree) needed love. It was life-changing.
Did it cure my depression immediately? No, but it did improve my life instantly. I felt lighter and laughed more. But I also had to make an important decision and end the relationship with my partner at that time and leave the country that I was living in because I knew I needed things that both my partner and the country couldn’t give me. The Psilocybin Journey gave me the strength to do that. The teacher spirit gave me a lot of insights, trails to follow on my path to slowly create an inner and outer environment in which I felt safe.
I continued to use the help of teacher plants and substances. After my first experience which happened outside, I learned how to fully delve into my inner world by journeying with an eye mask, emotionally supportive music and an amazing guide. And while during the years, I worked with many different substances, Psilocybin has always stayed one of my personal favourites. It helps to bring my emotions into flow often with ease and gentleness. It gives me insights without nausea and it lasts just 4 – 6 hours rather than 8-12hours with Ayahuasca or 12hours with LSD.
But it wasn’t until I learned the proper skills of integration that I started to experience tremendous change in my life. I needed to do more than just entering the psychedelic state and receiving all these insights because that can easily become another escape from reality, so I started going on journeys inside using these substances with a clear intention. I got the answers I was looking for and used these insights of my inner wisdom to actively change my life. Some patterns shifted naturally, others needed some commitment from my side. I studied with the most amazing teachers and shamans, I became a trauma integration facilitator but most of all I learned from life itself.
My path was a bumpy road of ups and downs and I had moments in which the depression would come back. These self-humiliating thoughts returned that wanted me to be dead because that would make everything so much easier. But it never came back quite the same as I had known it before. It was much different now, this time I knew that I was able to speak back to these thoughts. Sometimes in anger, sometimes with compassion to find the hurt inner child underneath. It wasn’t easy but I knew that there was something I could do, I wasn’t powerless.
To create lasting change, I needed to let go of abusive relationships, I learned how to set healthy boundaries and how to start befriending my anger. I needed to learn to recognise emotionally safe people and allow them into my life, how to co-create healthy relationships in which I feel safe, how to let my emotions flow again and how to express the truth of who I am.
But most importantly, I created a safe relationship with my inner child. Nowadays I speak to her on a daily basis and I know that when I feel deeply sad, powerless, terrified or overwhelmed, it is most often her who is calling for my attention because she feels stuck in a reality in the past where nobody was there to meet her needs. I hear her, I feel her, I see her and I meet her needs. Once these needs are met, relief usually follows and joy returns. Our emotions are just messengers of unmet or met needs, of boundaries respected or crossed.
TODAY I FEEL HAPPIER THAN EVER.
My life is a lot calmer than it used to be and I no longer ride on intense emotional rollercoaster rides. I love the serenity and peace that comes with this newfound stability. I don’t need the adrenaline rush from exciting and overwhelming new projects anymore to distract myself from my pain. I am content with very simple things that are more importance than anything else: Connection, Abundance, Play.
I thank all the teacher plants -especially Psilocybin, all the human teachers I met along the way and my beloved friends for their support.