It is a January morning in Costa Rica. I am at my shamans house to take the shamanic medicine called Kambo – a frog poison from the Amazon that makes you purge out of alignment vibrations and boosts your immune system. Like every medicine, I take it with an intention. This time that intention is to be able to create healthy, long lasting heart connections with other people.
My shaman asks me about my relationship life. It looks pretty unfortunate. I can connect to others only under the pretext of controlling the connection. I have a hard time receiving support, help and love. I do not trust it.
The shaman decides to give me three Kambo burns.
THE MEDICINE IS MEANT TO OPEN MY HEART TO CONNECTION, SPIN ALL OF MY FALSE BELIEFS AROUND AND THEN VOMIT THEM OUT.
I drink 1,5 liners of water. The water will take on the vibration that is no longer needed and purge it out, the shaman explains to me. She uses a little piece of wood to burn 3 dots onto my skin. It hurts a little but I had imagined it to be much worse. We chose to place them directly on my heart-chakra to open my heart to connection.
This is the moment that I get super scared. I don’t want it anymore. But I do want it. No I don’t. Yes I do. My mind is playing a game with me. The shaman laughs and says this reflects my beliefs about connection.
I’m shaking inside but I am ready. She places the medicine on my burned marks. I lay down. My head starts spinning. I can feel a huge amount of resistance come up within me that is trying to fight the medicine. I would love to surrender but I don’t know how. I am in pain, I suffer, I moan. The weirdest noises come out of my mouth. Am I dying? I want it to stop, I don’t know why I am doing this. Then I feel the need to vomit. I want to get it out, but part of me wants to hold it in. But the Kambo is stronger then my wish to hold it in. I vomit yellow foamy water into the bucket in front of me. The shaman removes the Kambo from my heart, which gives me a big feeling of relief. The effects immediately stop.
I lay on the bed and feel my legs and hands are getting stiff. I feel like I’m about to have a seizure. The shaman calms me. She explains that this is part of my ego leaving my body. I relax. I am glad that it is over. It took only 10 minutes. My eyes are closed. I see visions of past relationships and I realise how I violated my own boundaries in each of them for the sake of connection. I can see a desperate aspect of mine that wants connection so badly that it causes me to fall in love fast and intensely with men that are not necessarily the right fit for me.. This aspect used to convince me each time that “he is the one I have been waiting for”, finally I can be happy. But that never turned out to be true. This aspect is an inner child that didn’t know she could have connection and be herself at the same time, she thought that she had to please others in order to be loved. And she so wanted to feel loved and not be alone. Therefore she was willing to give up her boundaries.
I can see another aspect that does not want connection at all because she does not trust anyone. This aspect is another inner child that feels angry that she had to change in order to be loved. She experienced that love hurts really badly and does not want to go through that much pain again.
I never consciously knew about this part of mine, I had successfully repressed it. But in each and every relationship this aspect showed up after several months, refusing to participate in conflict resolution or affection and I never knew why I changed from one extreme into the other. In this moment I can see how important it is to listen to this part of mine that does not trust because she is part of me and she deserves to be seen.
I want to introduce her to the other aspect that craves for connection so badly.
They meet, they see each other for the first time. They realise they are one. They are both me. The part that wants connection promises not to put the part that doesn’t trust into scary situations anymore. That means taking time to get to know a man or a friend first before she completely opens herself to them. And the part that does not trust wants to make an effort to allow connections into her life, if it can happen slowly.
This awareness is truly liberating. I open my eyes, smile at the shaman and say out loud:
“I LOVE KAMBO”
I rest a bit longer, get more insights about my relationship patterns and this awareness naturally changes the pattern with ease. Also my body feels full of energy and cleansed from the inside out.
Time passes and the two aspects merge into one. My relationship behaviour has completely changed ever since and for the first time in my life I learned to slowly but fully trust another human being. I am forever grateful to Kambo for gifting me this awareness.