(inspired by an MDMA trip)
You have been with me for so long, constantly by my side trying to protect me from harm. You were there to remind me of my strength in times when I felt powerless.
Countless times I have tried to ignore you. Others told me that there is no space for you. They said a “good girl” behaves and has no right to get angry. They laughed at me when you came out, shamed me when you appeared. I ended up believing that you were the source of my pain.
And so, I made sure to send you away every time you showed up.
I judged you for making my life difficult because you were so persistent. When everybody else left me alone, you never did. I kept pushing you away, thinking that you were the cause of my problems. I am deeply sorry for having put the blame on you.
Today, I understand that they were mistaken, that they did not know any better. It was never your fault, dear Anger. Now I see that you just wanted to help me move beyond feeling powerless.
So now, I am slowly learning how to become friends with you. That’s not an easy task because I used to judge you so harshly and isolate you from my being. I truly want to invite you back into my life, back into my self.
There are things in this world that make me feel helpless, there are people in this world who have hurt me. You, Anger, show me how to protect myself from unnecessary pain. I know I cannot change them. And I don’t even want to. But I can choose to move through the pain in self-appreciation and love. I deserve it. I deserve to live a joyful life surrounded by people who respect me.
Sometimes when I don’t set my boundaries clearly, you remind me where I end and where somebody else begins. My heart is filled with deep appreciation. You make me see who I am. You validate my existence, and I remember my value in this world.
By pushing you away, Anger, it allowed you to have control over me at times. By befriending you, I can begin to work with you in a peaceful way. I want to see you for what you truly are: my protector, my force, my alarm system of unwanted break-ins into my field, body, and mind.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for the constant reminder of my self-worth. Thank you for your perseverance and for never letting me be alone.
I love you, Anger.
Photo Credit: Brooke Shaden
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