Several months ago I was high on MDMA and a microdose of LSD. The trip was mind-blowing, It brought me into my heart and into alignment with my inner wisdom. For the first time in my life I FULLY realised that I am never alone, that the universe carries me and Mother Earth always just wants the very best for me because that’s the best for herself too. Spiritual literature is full of such statements, so I have heard the concept many times before – but in this moment of bliss and awareness I was able to fully understand and feel it. Honestly, this was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

I love to use entheogenic substances to go on journeys into the self and understand myself and the source of my blockages and pain in life better. I do this in order to release what is holding me back and I promise you: I have never felt better in my life.

But today I want to talk about a very important aspect of this non ordinary state of consciousness experience. The trip itself will give you a shit ton of awareness, but often enough that awareness itself is not enough to create lasting change in your life.

Let’s go back to the time before the moment in which I realised that I had never been alone.

Intense loneliness was a big part of my life. The wish to stop feeling lonely controlled my every move. Unaware of this subconscious drive, I entered relationships solely because I wasn’t able to be alone. I wasn’t capable to choose freely, my only ever choice was not to be alone. But loneliness would find its way back to me and kick my ass big time. But unless you were my romantic partner, you wouldn’t notice these moments of depression when the darkness seemed to suck me into a downward spiral of emptiness. I would hide it so well from others that this made me even more lonely.

And even my ex-boyfriends couldn’t reach me when I was stuck in this dark hole. I would lay right next to them, crying for hours because I felt all alone.

So this blissful MDMA-LSD trip opened my eyes to the reality that I had never ever been alone. That realisation crushed my inner world in the most beautiful way possible. It changed my core belief from “I am alone” into “I am supported.” What a revelation! What a relief!

But when I came down and back to 3D reality, it only took a few weeks and the feeling of loneliness returned. Just this time it was not the same. I understood something of immense importance: My loneliness was nothing else than intense fear combined with the belief that I was alone in this fear and that nobody could reach me. This was the moment in which I found the courage to change this old belief pattern by expressing my fears openly to my wonderful friend Kerrie.

And this was crucial. I could have fallen right back into a depression by thinking: “Even this beautiful drug induced experience didn’t change anything and I still feel lonely.” But instead I remembered how I was always supported and I surrendered to the emotion instead. The loneliness was still present, but every time it came up, I would let it be, not judging it and letting it move through my body. I expressed it verbally and all my fears were received. This filled my heart with the feeling of connection – the opposite of loneliness.

Several years of emotional integration work with and without entheogens had helped me to create a safe environment in which I was living with someone who really cared about me and was ready to be there. Kerrie was present with all of my feelings. For the first time in my life I openly asked for emotional support, I opened up to her softness and let her hold me in my fears.

And one day I felt ready. I felt ready to completely dive into my loneliness instead of trying to constantly move away from it. This was two months after the initial entheogenic voyage. It was the day that I befriended my loneliness and thanked it from the bottom of my heart for being my driving force in life.

By accepting and loving it fully for the gifts that it brought to me, I was able to let my loneliness go. I didn’t reject it anymore and was ready to welcome it back whenever it wanted to come to visit.

It took quite a while after the initial drug-induced trip until I fully integrated the new belief. And for some drug trips that never happens. That is because a drug experience in itself will rarely change your life (except for how you see the world and the universe but I am talking about actively creating a new reality for yourself). It is the way you consciously engage in your daily life afterwards based on the new wisdom gained while high that will create the lasting change.

Today I mostly feel amazing. I rarely feel lonely but when I do, I welcome it in as my beloved friend and as a member of the family of my emotions.

I could not have gotten to this place so rapidly without my entheogenic helpers. But I also could never have gotten here without the proper skills of integration.

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Photo Credit: Rosie Hardy

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